Homesick

You can go home, but you'll be different and your home will be different so did you really go home after all?

Folding old clothes

Soft along the hems

Maple wood and cinder soot

And do you remember when I wore this?

Picture postcards

Worn along the folds

Vintage maps and postage stamps

And do you remember when I wrote this?

We are mosquitoes in the amber

We're not as molten as we seem

We are just energy and matter

We're not as solid as we seem

And on the day you die

You'll wake to find

It all has been a dream

Another bus ride

Another milestone

Power lines and highway signs

And will I remember when I wrote this?

Please forgive me

For I cannot let this go

I'm sick from falling forward

And my heart is in my throat

I'm homesick

When my older sister got engaged, my mum and younger sister and I rallied together to plan her a surprise engagement party. We were incredibly pleased with ourselves at having even thought of such a thing, and even more pleased when the whole thing went off without a hitch. She was duly surprised, everybody turned up who said they would, I took my shoes off in a restaurant, wine was consumed in great volumes - an unmitigated success! The party happened in Kingston, so I had taken the bus home for the event, this being prior to my current, baller car-renting situation.

While riding the bus, I was overtaken by the feeling of an event that had been long in the works, becoming something that had already happened, a memory only. I became aware of my position on the edge of my own history, staring into an unknowable future while memories accumulated behind me like so many trinkets and keepsakes. I still get that feeling all the time, and I still write about it because somehow I have not gotten over this Time thing and maybe I never will.

The video! Aw, this is a cute video, right? I made this in the fall of 2013 - before I had bangs, or any idea that I should put on makeup before shooting a video of myself e_e... I'm still proud of it and I enjoy watching all the little drawings of myself - my little zoë doodlz. Those are taken from diaries I kept between 2010-2012 while I was working on my Master's degree. I really like the little "hoping with all her might" zoë (2:16). I really wish I could still fit into that Them Crooked Vultures t-shirt but oh well, I had a baby who cares lalala!